My Grief Experience
After a 2.5 year cancer journey, my mom passed away last fall. To say that it’s been a rough few months would be an understatement! I have put a lot of pressure on myself to navigate this season well, especially when it comes to how I help the kids process their grief. We’ve made photo albums and read picture books and talked to our therapist. Often I would put my feelings aside so that I could focus on ‘being strong’ for the kids. My personality type being what it is, it’s all too easy for me to fall into the trap of believing that my feelings and needs aren’t as important as other people’s. As a result, I have found myself struggling to stay afloat, so to speak. Recently I read a post by Ryan North about parenting as leadership, and he pointed out that we can’t focus on our children’s growth and healing if we aren’t doing the work needed for our own growth and healing. I realized that my grief journey is not something to be tended to if I have time after all the other stuff has been dealt with – it’s something that needs my attention on the front end. My leadership in this area will actually help my children process their grief as well! It’s like Karyn Purvis said: “You can’t lead a child to a place of healing if you haven’t been there yourself.”
So, I’ve been trying to be more honest with myself and my family when I’m having a rough day. The irony is that the kids already knew I was struggling! Sadly, they would often assume that it was something they had done wrong. Now, if I’m feeling at the end of my rope emotionally, I’m practicing saying things like, “I’m really missing Grandma today. So if I seem sad or grumpy, that’s why. It’s not your fault.” One of the beautiful things about this has been watching the way the kids respond. It has empowered them to show empathy and kindness to me, which has been wonderful. I’m learning that the messy living out of my grief journey is one of the most powerful ways my kids will learn. So I will keep practicing being honest about my feelings, voicing my needs, activating my support network, and generally advocating for myself. Not easy work, but I’m certainly grateful for the growth and healing I’m experiencing! I’m also practicing showing myself grace. I can be pretty hard on myself, but I’m learning to beat back the voices of shame and treat myself more tenderly. This post by Lisa Qualls was helpful to me. It reminded me that it’s more than okay to take care of myself; it’s necessary, and simple things can bring great joy.
Choosing Joy – Step by Step
One of my biggest AHA! moments recently has been realizing the healing power of joy. It can be easy to get bogged down in the sadness of this season, and the first couple weeks of February were really hard. (The fact that we are enduring one of the harshest winters of the last 140 years hasn’t helped!) When that dark cloud of sadness descends, it can be difficult to feel energetic enough to get out and do stuff. But, I had some movie gift cards and I’d been wanting to see The Greatest Showman since before it came out, so I took the kids with me to go see it. I absolutely loved it! There’s just something about a great musical that gets me fired up. I bought the soundtrack as soon as we got home and the kids started performing their own dance numbers. I found myself truly enjoying them. The improvement in my mood was remarkable! I’ve been reflecting that sometimes navigating grief will be dark, heavy work, and other times it will look like going to a musical with your kids and having fun together. It got me thinking about the importance of doing things that bring me joy, and looking for opportunities to experience joy together. It can be as simple as cheering for a sports team together, sharing a physical activity like walking the dogs, reading a comic strip together, viewing silly YouTube videos, or giggling at the smelly antics of pre-teen boys (and one nearly 50-year-old boy!). 😉 Sometimes it’s as simple as pausing what I’m doing, looking them in the eye, and smiling. It will look different for all of us, but I’m practicing looking for joy, and giving myself permission to embrace it.
Many of us grew up believing that strength equals emotional control and an ability to handle whatever life throws at us. I’m working on reframing that belief for myself. For me, strength is starting to mean getting back up and taking another step after I’ve fallen apart. When my kids look back on this time, I’m hoping they remember me as a mom who didn’t always have it all together, but kept showing up anyway.
~Colleen
Thank you for this. My sister passed away a year ago and this was the hardest year of my life and parenting ever. It’s hard to put effort into kids when feeling depressed. It’s just nice to read from someone who understands!
Thank you for your comment, Amy! Sorry for the loss of your sister. Losing someone you love is so hard, and parenting in the midst of that can feel impossible. I’m glad my journey resonated with you.
~C
I lost my mom almost 4 years ago (it will be in July). Seems like yesterday to me as time seems to move faster and faster. I often feel the same when it comes to being a parent of my only daughter who at the time was 7. We started a “Gam” day in honor of my mom a year after she passed. We make a cake in celebration of her life and do something fun to remember her! She would want it that way. Sometimes I do have to remind my daughter I’m having I miss my mom moment and I need some me time. As most moms, I think we feel bad when we think we’re supposed to have it all together all of the time! Not… I hope this teaches my daughter to tend to her emotions and we are all human. Most of all, it’s ok to cry, even feel sad but to keep going…
Thanks for this post. We loved Greatest Showman also!!! It’s the perfect feel good movie with so many messages of hope.
Thanks for sharing your experience, Darice! I love the idea of “Gam” day. What a beautiful tradition!
~C
Thank you for your candid post. I have lost so much in the last eight years. It has been so emotionally draining. I recently lost my daughter, 4 months ago, after a 5 yr battle with drugs. I am now raising my precious granddaughter (2 yrs old). In February i was diagnosed with breast cancer. And last weekend we had to unexpectedly put my daughters dog down. So much loss so fast. And so much ahead to face. Thank you for reminding me to find joy and re-examine my perspective!
˜G
Hi Gerri,
Thank you for sharing! I’m sorry for your losses. (We have an older dog and I’m dreading the day we have to say goodbye to him.) I’m so glad my journey resonated with you.
~C
Thank you! Lost my father 13 weeks ago and am struggling to find any stable footing to feel like I’m in control again. Your words are what I needed to hear today. Thank you.
I’m not a parent, but I could relate as my dad just passed away. I had to grow as a person and I’m still trying to piece back my life and be strong for my siblings. It’s not easy. Keep pushing! Thanks for the post.
It is really important to laugh and feel joy. Thank you for reminding me. Right now I am just busy keeping busy, trying to be gentle with myself and encouraging my teenage girls to do the same. My husband died of cancer last month following a two year struggle. Life just feels all up hill!
I just lost my 15month old 7 weeks ago today… He got out of his pram and was hit my a car and died in hospital a few hours later…. I also have a 13 yo that I still habe to get up ea h day for but I’m lucky in a sense that he understands what’s happened but is also blaming himself because he was asleep when it happened.
Anyway enough rambling…. Thank you for wrighting this. Its what I needed to see today.
I don’t know what your feeing but I hope your days get better. I lost my husband and father of my kids which I know is not at all the same (also you didn’t ask), but the despair is consuming when knowing you have to keep going. I hope you are ok, I hope peace finds you sooner.
I am so sorry about the loss of your husband Amanda. And no she did not ask and in your quest to heal by finding other websites. Please know that in this community that is ripe with grief that we know that whether you lose a child, significant other or parent it is painful. In that respect all of our pain is painful.
Sorry about the loss of your mother Amy, I truly am. I loss my mother when I was a kid and I lost my daughter recently, as an adult. It is a blessing that you are not alone. Yes she will see her mother going thru her grieving process but that will help her with her life as you can see. And please know that sometimes we do need to be alone to grieve. A loving daughter will respect that. May you both come to know fully that grief and celebration is a part of life. May you hear someone soon with a side-splitting laugh…and may that someone be YOU!
I meant sorry about the loss of your mother Colleen